CAST LIST

i figure i should introduce the list of people that feature here.

K- my sometimes boyfriend who both scares me and makes me instantly happy.
J- K's bestfriend, who is older than me, and plays a Gibson SG, lives in a flat with K's other bestfriend [i'll get to him next] and they're all in manchester punk/ska/stoner band All Kinds Of Wrong.
S- lives with J, completly mental bassist who makes me laugh alot.
A- my gay friend from college.
S- my best friend. they only guy who understands me and understands what its like to feel 'down', possably the only guy i feelcomfertabl telling my problems to. pity he's gay.
L- my beautiful, funny sister. i wish i had her confidence. she corrects my spelling. and tells me what to do.

my mum and dad aswell, but they dont need colours. they're my mum and dad.
and like, my minor relatives.
and my friends from college.
who i shall refer to as my college friends.


welcome to my life.
: )

we'll show them what real means

'now, will it matter long after i'm gone?

your just a sad song

with nothing to say'

Just go.

last night i did the unthinkable.

i can fake confidance. very very easily. sometimes it even blisters on truly confident. sometimes. ive always had something nagging my brain and telling me that i CANT. i'm waiting for someone to tell me i can.

i dont know what i expected when i got into college last night, i was ushered through a door to a TINY backstage area. and then we soundchecked.

previously i'd passed my Sound Recording assignment with a Distinction. and then i met up with K and spent the day with him, in his arms, on his bed. kissing, scratching and insulting him. i then got changed and put my face on, and then we set off for college.

got there, and helped him carry his stupidly big amp into college.
he claims he needs it as J [the other guitarist in the band that he's in] is always turned up really loud. i just thing its a status thing, 'OHHH! look at me with my Amp that weighs more than YOU do!'

as i was saying.

we soundchecked.

and by this time im running round like a complete nutcase looking for A [who is a boy by the way] as i really needed a hug. by this time i was VERY nervous. the prospect of going onstage infront of my sister, and the guy who i have exchanged some very explicit moments with made me feel really sick.

so im running around City College with my phone and a bottle of water. looking for my gay friend. and wondering what the fuck i can do.

then the thing starts, and i sit in the audiance, and watch people play songs.

i saw one of K's bands songs before deciding that their singer was shit, and then my band [who are no more now] gets called backstage.

and then, were on stage. the comfort of my mic in my hand. the wire wrapped around my wrist, and the lights blinding the audiance out. and, it went okay.

till i got into class this morning.

i didnt wanna go today. my voice is in shreads after smoking cigarettes last night. and singing on stage.

i get into class

and we have to watch out performances back. ive never been good at watching myself do anything on camera. i wasnt AT ALL comfertable with fucking singing on stage, this was just too fucking far.

and it was...horrible.

maybe thats just my opinion, but i sounded flat. and really gay and just generally horrible,

it really knocked my confidance.

and REALLY brought my already ill mood down some more.

i hit rock bottom at about 11. ended up on myspace after having a minor panic attack, posting pointless bulletins.

i wont put you through the rest of my day.

i spent a stupid amount of money on starbucks though.

but, my first gig! over with. and Tavis and the Douchbags/ Teabags are no more.

we had to change groups. and i have a bad feeling about this one.

there are so many questions that i wanna ask K .

i'm not his girlfriend, technically speaking, but i might as well be.
i mean, its the way he kisses my cheek, and my forehead that makes me think he cares, but the insecurities inside of me are screaming that he doesnt. and im dying to ask him.

im dying to ask him if he likes me.

if he cares about me.

i dont want the relationship to become just a phisical thing.

im dying to tell him that this has been the scariest, but by far the most exiting ride of my life.

if i date guys i generally become really obsessed with them, if i trust them its enough, and now im so fucking washed away by his blue eyes that i dont give a damn anymore.

its starting to get bad.

do guys obsess this much over girl?

wondering in the small hours of the morning if they actually do care. if theyre using you. if they feel the same way you do when they sigh. when they moan.

when they kiss you on the nose.

or is he just leading me on?

and will the guy who i trust myself with, who i think is a nice guy, turn out to be differant and hurt me?

chances are, even if he doesnt know it, he'll end up hurting me.

you should see my back...and my neck.

he's figured out how i tick.

tick tock tick tock.

haha.

'i am not afraid to keep on living'

For The Birds- A PISS FUNNY short pixar film.
that ive seen about 30 times now, and its still piss funny.
go download it!
cos you cant beat naked animated birds.