CAST LIST

i figure i should introduce the list of people that feature here.

K- my sometimes boyfriend who both scares me and makes me instantly happy.
J- K's bestfriend, who is older than me, and plays a Gibson SG, lives in a flat with K's other bestfriend [i'll get to him next] and they're all in manchester punk/ska/stoner band All Kinds Of Wrong.
S- lives with J, completly mental bassist who makes me laugh alot.
A- my gay friend from college.
S- my best friend. they only guy who understands me and understands what its like to feel 'down', possably the only guy i feelcomfertabl telling my problems to. pity he's gay.
L- my beautiful, funny sister. i wish i had her confidence. she corrects my spelling. and tells me what to do.

my mum and dad aswell, but they dont need colours. they're my mum and dad.
and like, my minor relatives.
and my friends from college.
who i shall refer to as my college friends.


welcome to my life.
: )

we'll show them what real means

'now, will it matter long after i'm gone?

your just a sad song

with nothing to say'

Just go.

last night i did the unthinkable.

i can fake confidance. very very easily. sometimes it even blisters on truly confident. sometimes. ive always had something nagging my brain and telling me that i CANT. i'm waiting for someone to tell me i can.

i dont know what i expected when i got into college last night, i was ushered through a door to a TINY backstage area. and then we soundchecked.

previously i'd passed my Sound Recording assignment with a Distinction. and then i met up with K and spent the day with him, in his arms, on his bed. kissing, scratching and insulting him. i then got changed and put my face on, and then we set off for college.

got there, and helped him carry his stupidly big amp into college.
he claims he needs it as J [the other guitarist in the band that he's in] is always turned up really loud. i just thing its a status thing, 'OHHH! look at me with my Amp that weighs more than YOU do!'

as i was saying.

we soundchecked.

and by this time im running round like a complete nutcase looking for A [who is a boy by the way] as i really needed a hug. by this time i was VERY nervous. the prospect of going onstage infront of my sister, and the guy who i have exchanged some very explicit moments with made me feel really sick.

so im running around City College with my phone and a bottle of water. looking for my gay friend. and wondering what the fuck i can do.

then the thing starts, and i sit in the audiance, and watch people play songs.

i saw one of K's bands songs before deciding that their singer was shit, and then my band [who are no more now] gets called backstage.

and then, were on stage. the comfort of my mic in my hand. the wire wrapped around my wrist, and the lights blinding the audiance out. and, it went okay.

till i got into class this morning.

i didnt wanna go today. my voice is in shreads after smoking cigarettes last night. and singing on stage.

i get into class

and we have to watch out performances back. ive never been good at watching myself do anything on camera. i wasnt AT ALL comfertable with fucking singing on stage, this was just too fucking far.

and it was...horrible.

maybe thats just my opinion, but i sounded flat. and really gay and just generally horrible,

it really knocked my confidance.

and REALLY brought my already ill mood down some more.

i hit rock bottom at about 11. ended up on myspace after having a minor panic attack, posting pointless bulletins.

i wont put you through the rest of my day.

i spent a stupid amount of money on starbucks though.

but, my first gig! over with. and Tavis and the Douchbags/ Teabags are no more.

we had to change groups. and i have a bad feeling about this one.

there are so many questions that i wanna ask K .

i'm not his girlfriend, technically speaking, but i might as well be.
i mean, its the way he kisses my cheek, and my forehead that makes me think he cares, but the insecurities inside of me are screaming that he doesnt. and im dying to ask him.

im dying to ask him if he likes me.

if he cares about me.

i dont want the relationship to become just a phisical thing.

im dying to tell him that this has been the scariest, but by far the most exiting ride of my life.

if i date guys i generally become really obsessed with them, if i trust them its enough, and now im so fucking washed away by his blue eyes that i dont give a damn anymore.

its starting to get bad.

do guys obsess this much over girl?

wondering in the small hours of the morning if they actually do care. if theyre using you. if they feel the same way you do when they sigh. when they moan.

when they kiss you on the nose.

or is he just leading me on?

and will the guy who i trust myself with, who i think is a nice guy, turn out to be differant and hurt me?

chances are, even if he doesnt know it, he'll end up hurting me.

you should see my back...and my neck.

he's figured out how i tick.

tick tock tick tock.

haha.

'i am not afraid to keep on living'

For The Birds- A PISS FUNNY short pixar film.
that ive seen about 30 times now, and its still piss funny.
go download it!
cos you cant beat naked animated birds.

tea? cake? too many calories.

"your words in my memory are like music to me

im miles from where you are

i lay down on the cold ground

i prey that something picks me up

and sets me down in your warm arms"

hey.

i realise ive never said hi to who ever reads this. see, myspace has a counter in one corner that lets you know how many times your beloved ramblings have been read. Blogspot.com doesnt. i'm not writing this to get popular, or to make a living. i'm writing it because i enjoy it. i'd just like to know who's bored enough to read my thoughts.

Todays been slow. went to college. went to the shop. went to my guitar lesson. spoke to my best friend S. Havent seen K since monday. but it was good seeing him. he instantly made me feel better.

everyone i know is freeking about christmas. well, what to get other people for christmas.

including me.

but enough of that.

in the shop me, and my mother [who i can call by name as she's my mother] and my grandad today decided that the place is just a magnet for all the silly, funny, not quite there people within a 20 mile radium of us. i think we have a magnet. okay yes, i do realise its a christmas shop, but since its almost christmas you'd think we'd get some sane people in once in a while. right?

wrong.

i'm reading over conversations between me and K. thats how sad i am.

"yesterday was a million years ago

i'm so empty here, without you.

i know its the last day on earth

we'll be together while the planet dies

i know its the last day on earth

we'll never say goodbye"

and i'm so empty, here without you.

you know, even if i go to bed at 12am ill still have 10 hours sleep.

how fucking cool is that?

see.

i didnt rant today.

the last place we left off

people annoy me sometimes.
I'm not entirely anti-social. though Ive done nothing this weekend, but Ive decided that some people are pretty stupid.
take my best friend S. i love him, more than he knows, but he has these habits that really do piss me off. I'm sure he's an undiagnosed depressive, but he's got there problems, i'm sure he has. he found out he had dyslexia and went ito a 'i cant do it, im dumb' and i tried a million times to tell him that who the fuck cares about intelligence? he didnt listen though. and now he's off on a 'all people are twat bags' mood. its so fucking stupid.
by now you should have worked out that i collect the wierd people. the ones who are a but twisted. makes life more interesting when you dont know what theyre going to do next.
the good news is that K has been texting me all day. he's sweet. and funny. and terribly crude. enough about him.
christmas ladies and gentlemen is looming upon us, well, its loomed upon me since fucking september [as i work in a christmas shop].
christmas: a time in which we all drop our problems, spend a stupid amout of money, and pretend that everything is okay, we eat more than we should and watch shit TV programs.
i'm not a humbug. i love christmas, i just hate the nice sugar coating of life that comes with us.
it'd be nice to see christmas before it got really commercialised, before kids expected stupid preasents. god.
you know santa is the biggest lie ever aswell?
but its a nice lie. a magical lie.
as i said, im not a humbug.
its painful to think of christmas without my guinea pig though.
i can use his name in this blog because he is a guinea pig and he's dead. i loved him though. he died on results day.
ive always believed that when one part of your life goes upwards another goes down. and i got my GCSE's, hot footed it over to college to enrol. my dreams coming true before my eyes having worked my ass of for those damn exams and i come home and he's gone. dead.
and you all going 'it was just a guinea pig'
FUCK OFF.
no he wasnt.
i got so attached to the fluff ball.
he used to sit on my bed while i tidied my room, and we used to watch movies together.
okay well, i watched the movie and he raced around under the covers cos he's cool.
and he isnt here anymore.
blah.
i feel shitty now.
ill try and publish a post tomorrow that doesnt rant.

i'm on your voice mail.

relatives annoy me.
dont get me wrong, i love my grandma to bits, but god! she infuriates me.
see, i work in her Christmas Shop sometimes. the pays shit and the works boring and to be quite honest i havent a fucking clue why i do it. but its my grandma, and when she says 'Nat, i need you to work in the shop on saturday' you can very well say no.
its not like i had anything to do this weekend any way, other than the massive pile of college work that will get done tomorrow when i'm home alone, since my sometimes boyfriend K cancelled on me, he gets ill alot, so you cant really blame him.
i sound like i'm making excuses for him doesnt it?
its a wierd relationship between me and him. i dont have the confidance to ask him the things that i really want to ask him, and because he isnt that good on conversation i fill the gaps of silance with absolute utter crap, so really he thinks im a flaky motor mouth, which actually, i am.
its turning into one of those relationships where i'm just conveniently there. its like were turning into Fuck buddies or something.
though with out the fuck. as i'm a virgin.
i was with my flaky, hyperactive ex boyfriend S when i first kissed K and quickly realised that being with K was WAY better than being with S. S managed to infuriate me.
love is blind folks.
and deaf.
and very very ignorant.

first things first

• there will be alot of confusion in the blog. always.
• there will be many many lists
• there will be bands myspace's plugged here
• i promise i will try and make sense
• there will be no shouting, only swearing.

i will not use Names, only colours for people who are to appear here alot. i will not be racist, or anything else deamed politically incorrect by anyone.

please have fun while reading my blog. it'll be treated as a vent for my worrying.

please, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Nat, TheInkJunkie is something that came out of my goth days, i dont have any tattoo's and i dont inject ink. its just a name.
on the outside you'll see a short, thin,16 year old girl. with nearly blonde curly hair and skinny jeans. you'll see ever present headphones and a colourful scarf. if its sunny you'll see HUGE sunglasses. you'll usually take note of the phone/ipod/magazine/cup of hot chocolate that is usually in my hand. i have 7 piercings.
i'm not a "scene" kid, or any other steriotype that you can think of.
i'm from manchester.
well, near enough.
on the inside...
i worry, alot, and not about your average things. i'm scared of busses, and the sea, and big spaces. i NEED to know where things are, i have panic attacks, i have a very high pain tolerance. i can fake confidance, i find it easier to talk to guys than girls.
i am straight.
and in an open relationship.
i'm creative, and there is ALWAYS a song going through my head.
my hopbbies include photography, music, kissing guys, talking to sheep, playing with the ducks, sleeping, shopping, dancing, ski-ing and writing stupid letters to my dead guinea pig.

I'll take you down the only road I've never been down

"I hate myself, and i want to die"- Kurt Cobain.

now you know the logistics of what your dealing with here lets start this thingy in the only way i know how.
by saying Goodbye.

:)