The best time to write is when you cant sleep at 3am.

'Safety is in the middle of the raging river
at it's deepest and fastest point'
- Bruce Mau

I don't think I've ever written a blog that doesn't start with a list, and believe me, this may be the most desperate blog I've written yet.

I am cold. I'm lonely. and i miss him, all three of the hims in my life at this point in time, all of them have earnt their place there and all three of them are there for different reasons. I don't know where to start with this, i know i am feeling something, i just cant figure out what it is.

Never ever ever ever trust a broken window. It started with a broken window, and (yes, i know it sounds dramatic, but i don't fluff things, and sugar coat them, especially at 3 in the morning, this is about me getting some sleep) it ended with a broken heart. There's all this family stuff going on, it can be put very simply into one word, Money, but actually its deeper than that and i don't have the foggiest idea about how the fuck i am going to fix this.

i hate it when i sit down with the intention of writing a big blog, getting it all off my chest and then i sit down and i cant write. i wish that my blog would be read by people, and that hopefully they understand, but that isn't why i am sat here at 3 in the bloody morning, pining after a text with the snow STILL falling outside. i am doing this because i am sick of sleepless nights, lying awake and thinking about him, about what i have done and about whether it is right, and what will the future hold.

As with me there will always be other, bigger, better and stronger worries; Money is one of those worries. i maxed out my account last week to pay my rent, and i have never felt so bad in all of my life. i am so used to not looking at the price tags on things and now, i have to change.

its very stupid, trying to figure out who i am without Kyle. when i met him i was this scared 16 year old girl, i was different, i didnt have the confidence to not stare at the ground when i walked, and slowly Kyle broke me, and moulded me into something similar to who i am now, the girl who could walk into a bar and not feel horrible, the girl who felt sexy. Kyle is responsible for making me feel comfortable, clothed or otherwise. Now i have this terrible thing to do, and i actually told my mum this:
I have to figure out how i want to portray myself to other people, i have to figure out who i am without Kyle. Who am i as a single?

i dont even know what i like in bed. Im dating this guy, Rob. He's sweet, a Geek. a Loveable Geek.
He's wonderful in bed.
but he keeps asking me what i want, and its like '...um, untill you i hadn't ever had an orgasm during sex, and i didnt actually know i had a G-Spot, and i have never gotten cramp during sex in my life, and honestly i do not know what i want, so if you just do what you want and if i hate it ill tell you, kay? now, why the fuck are we having a conversation while your penis is inside me?'

So, yeah.

sometimes i lie awake at night and ponder whether i have dont the right thing with Kyle, there are days when i know i want him back and days where i know i like being single.

INCOMPLETE.
as many blogs are.

New Things That Plug Into The Wall And Use Batteries And Are A Bit Geeky, But Are Still Cool, Obviously.

So in my absense stuff has changed, this has turned into a Uni blog instead, sorry kids, you will now be witness to an assignment.
ready?

(yes, i know its boring, its a Uni assignment) I really must do the initial blog for this assignemnt. okay, heres the bit where i evaluate myself. (big nose, little bit to fat, can see my roots, my eczma is flareing up, im chewing my lip studs again)

'honestly i have been begging for answers that you and only you can give to me//my voice crying loud, ive been crying for days now//and as i start to run i start to breathe'
UA2 initial blog.



Guess What I Did Today?
So today my teacher let us loose on garage band, and as a girl used to Logic and very complicated software recording programs the whole program kinda just seems like a freebie version of Logic, though i applaud its simplicity to use, my teacher ran through ALL the buttons and things that GarageBand can do in 5 minutes and then said go, so off i went to mix Marvin Gayne's Real Thing with loads of idea's in my head of what i wanted to do to it then half way through i realised that NO, i cant do many of the idea's because A. it would take me ages to and B. this isnt logic. so i added some Echo (!) and some Reverb, but some compression and a little bit of gate in there, regulated the levels so i wasnt constantly straining to hear the Vocals and actually thats pretty much all i did, thats how easy GarageBand is.
Conclusions Conclusions.
IN SHORT i find the simplicity of GarageBand both wonderful and horrible all at the same time, meaning it would be a good bit of software to start off with, but i have been spoilt by its big brother and therefore hate the fact that it wont let me do things because the button isnt there. Playing around with a Marvin Gayne Multitrack however was a perfect way to end the afternoon.
this is incomplete.