The best time to write is when you cant sleep at 3am.

'Safety is in the middle of the raging river
at it's deepest and fastest point'
- Bruce Mau

I don't think I've ever written a blog that doesn't start with a list, and believe me, this may be the most desperate blog I've written yet.

I am cold. I'm lonely. and i miss him, all three of the hims in my life at this point in time, all of them have earnt their place there and all three of them are there for different reasons. I don't know where to start with this, i know i am feeling something, i just cant figure out what it is.

Never ever ever ever trust a broken window. It started with a broken window, and (yes, i know it sounds dramatic, but i don't fluff things, and sugar coat them, especially at 3 in the morning, this is about me getting some sleep) it ended with a broken heart. There's all this family stuff going on, it can be put very simply into one word, Money, but actually its deeper than that and i don't have the foggiest idea about how the fuck i am going to fix this.

i hate it when i sit down with the intention of writing a big blog, getting it all off my chest and then i sit down and i cant write. i wish that my blog would be read by people, and that hopefully they understand, but that isn't why i am sat here at 3 in the bloody morning, pining after a text with the snow STILL falling outside. i am doing this because i am sick of sleepless nights, lying awake and thinking about him, about what i have done and about whether it is right, and what will the future hold.

As with me there will always be other, bigger, better and stronger worries; Money is one of those worries. i maxed out my account last week to pay my rent, and i have never felt so bad in all of my life. i am so used to not looking at the price tags on things and now, i have to change.

its very stupid, trying to figure out who i am without Kyle. when i met him i was this scared 16 year old girl, i was different, i didnt have the confidence to not stare at the ground when i walked, and slowly Kyle broke me, and moulded me into something similar to who i am now, the girl who could walk into a bar and not feel horrible, the girl who felt sexy. Kyle is responsible for making me feel comfortable, clothed or otherwise. Now i have this terrible thing to do, and i actually told my mum this:
I have to figure out how i want to portray myself to other people, i have to figure out who i am without Kyle. Who am i as a single?

i dont even know what i like in bed. Im dating this guy, Rob. He's sweet, a Geek. a Loveable Geek.
He's wonderful in bed.
but he keeps asking me what i want, and its like '...um, untill you i hadn't ever had an orgasm during sex, and i didnt actually know i had a G-Spot, and i have never gotten cramp during sex in my life, and honestly i do not know what i want, so if you just do what you want and if i hate it ill tell you, kay? now, why the fuck are we having a conversation while your penis is inside me?'

So, yeah.

sometimes i lie awake at night and ponder whether i have dont the right thing with Kyle, there are days when i know i want him back and days where i know i like being single.

INCOMPLETE.
as many blogs are.

New Things That Plug Into The Wall And Use Batteries And Are A Bit Geeky, But Are Still Cool, Obviously.

So in my absense stuff has changed, this has turned into a Uni blog instead, sorry kids, you will now be witness to an assignment.
ready?

(yes, i know its boring, its a Uni assignment) I really must do the initial blog for this assignemnt. okay, heres the bit where i evaluate myself. (big nose, little bit to fat, can see my roots, my eczma is flareing up, im chewing my lip studs again)

'honestly i have been begging for answers that you and only you can give to me//my voice crying loud, ive been crying for days now//and as i start to run i start to breathe'
UA2 initial blog.



Guess What I Did Today?
So today my teacher let us loose on garage band, and as a girl used to Logic and very complicated software recording programs the whole program kinda just seems like a freebie version of Logic, though i applaud its simplicity to use, my teacher ran through ALL the buttons and things that GarageBand can do in 5 minutes and then said go, so off i went to mix Marvin Gayne's Real Thing with loads of idea's in my head of what i wanted to do to it then half way through i realised that NO, i cant do many of the idea's because A. it would take me ages to and B. this isnt logic. so i added some Echo (!) and some Reverb, but some compression and a little bit of gate in there, regulated the levels so i wasnt constantly straining to hear the Vocals and actually thats pretty much all i did, thats how easy GarageBand is.
Conclusions Conclusions.
IN SHORT i find the simplicity of GarageBand both wonderful and horrible all at the same time, meaning it would be a good bit of software to start off with, but i have been spoilt by its big brother and therefore hate the fact that it wont let me do things because the button isnt there. Playing around with a Marvin Gayne Multitrack however was a perfect way to end the afternoon.
this is incomplete.

ten

everything keeps going wrong.
I'm supposed to have been going to this festival with Kyle, ive made plans, changed everything to be at this thing, ive saved money, angered many many many people and now...
it's been cancelled. meaning not only am i wasting another week of my life doing fuck all and waiting for a plane i also have NOTHING to look forward to for the next month.
On top of that my symptoms are back, meaning im going to have to go BACK on antifuckingbiotics and have to nurture this fucking think for another week or 2.
ive just had sex, on a bed not 30 cm's from where im sat.
later,

the 4th, the 5th. the minor fall and the major lift.

I cry, on average, once a day. usually for no reason. And all of it usually stems back to Kyle.
Kyle, who isnt the sometimes boyfriend anymore as he's become not only the boyfriend but the guy i lean on and cry to though he's never seen me cry yet. Kyle, who i lost my virginity to on a friday afternoon in april. Kyle, who i fell in love with. I knew it was going to happen, i get emotionally attached really easily and this guy has been no different. i dont know what love feels like, but i know i'm head over heels and out of mind. really.
Out of my mind is a very good discription for it. its a one sided need i think. with me, waiting untill silly o clock in the morning the minute he says that he'll call me, and with me feeling oh so lonely when i'm not with him. i fell hard didnt i?
people tell me all the time when they find out the state i get myself into that i should break up with him, that i will feel better if he isnt in my life. and i know i wont. look, i have a soft spot for Kyle, and yes, he causes me a great deal of pain and anger and lonliness and lost time and blood shed and all that but being with him, just with him, in his room, on his bed more than makes up for it. its the way he kisses my hand that makes it all worthwhile. though its going to get harder soon, seeing him.
but, i havent explained why the crying for no reason is his fault.
Pea Bo is the name of my contraceptive implant. i can feel it under my skin, its 4cm long. it prevents me from getting pregnant because it releases a hormone that stops my body releasing egg's and it stays under my skin for the next 3 years. i had it put in because i worry. I'll let you into a not so secret secret, i'm having regular sex [though its not regular enough] and with sex comes worry. with anything in my life comes worry. so, to stop me worrying i had Pea Bo put in.
Pea Bo's a bastard, an idiot. he is fucking up my body. he has fucking up my period, and fucked up my emotional state of mind. see it releases a hormone, the hormone makes me feel very very very emotional. and therefore the slightest thing can tip me and make me the biggest blubbering saddest sap you have ever seen. so really, going back to it i had Pea Bo put in becuase im having sex with Kyle therefore if i didnt have Kyle i wouldnt have Pea Bo.
BUT. life isnt that simple. i never do whats best for me i do what seems the most fun even though it fucks up my life, my body, my mood and my cycle's ill still do.

i read this great quote the other day.
The only cure for love is to love more
i cant quote who said it though. one of my favourite quotes though is Lovers alone wear sunlight which has so many meanings to it if you sit and think about it for aslong as i have.

Economically the country is a mess. that has become all to apparent to me now. it hit home at about 12am tonight actually. see, i grew up not having to look at tags on clothes and not worrying about having bills to pay and whatever, when i heard about this whole economic slump thing i didnt worry about it, i though yeah, were going to have to cut back on things but...i just didnt.
my dad's selling his car, his pride and joy. because he needs the money. i just...i didnt think money was that tight. i didnt think it was that bad. this feeling is horrible. i sound like a snob here, there are people worse off than me and i know that. i'm just scared. ive just got my provisional licence and i cant learn to drive because i cant afford it. i cant get down to see Kyle because it costs so damn much. ive never had to live my life around how much things cost before and i am so so sick of everyone thinking about money all the time, there has to be someone out there who's life revolves around money.
I'm only 17, i dont know anything about the Economics of this country so i have no idea what to say beyond that. ive never seen good with money.

I need to get out of this house. i need Kyle's bed just so i can sleep at night, i havent had a good nights sleep in days. i need a hug from him.
its out year anniversary tomorrow. tomorrow at about 4ish is the first time i kissed him, its been such a eventful ride. he has scared me so many times, and made me worry and made me cry and there isnt a time when i dont miss him or need him or want to talk to him and god, what would have happened if i hadnt of kissed him that day? what would life be right now?
boring i guess. though would i have found someone else? i have no idea.
but would i change it? would i change the year ive had?
no.
i love him and i plan to tell him. i have to. 3 words that try to escape my lips everytime i see him. they bounce off walls when i dare say them outloud when im on my own and the dont feel right. and tomorrow it will be right. tomorrow i have a reason to say them but i am so scared.
in reality id love for him to say them back, but i dont want him to say anything if he doesnt mean it, but i f i do say it thats putting him on the spot and it'll be like he has to say it, other wise i'll get up set and i really really really want him to mean it.
i'd like him to say it really. but, he cant really say anything, so i guess its up to me to do it isnt it?
he once told me that if i thought it justifyable to say or do something then i should just do it and people will react how them react.
he should know by now that i love him.
I feel like my life is in a mess again. so much has happened since i last updated this blog. so so much. and none of it i will list here. everything has changed though. i promise ill update more often, i only wrote this here because its WAY WAY WAY to heavy for myspace.
thanks for reading.

Nat.

CAST LIST

i figure i should introduce the list of people that feature here.

K- my sometimes boyfriend who both scares me and makes me instantly happy.
J- K's bestfriend, who is older than me, and plays a Gibson SG, lives in a flat with K's other bestfriend [i'll get to him next] and they're all in manchester punk/ska/stoner band All Kinds Of Wrong.
S- lives with J, completly mental bassist who makes me laugh alot.
A- my gay friend from college.
S- my best friend. they only guy who understands me and understands what its like to feel 'down', possably the only guy i feelcomfertabl telling my problems to. pity he's gay.
L- my beautiful, funny sister. i wish i had her confidence. she corrects my spelling. and tells me what to do.

my mum and dad aswell, but they dont need colours. they're my mum and dad.
and like, my minor relatives.
and my friends from college.
who i shall refer to as my college friends.


welcome to my life.
: )

we'll show them what real means

'now, will it matter long after i'm gone?

your just a sad song

with nothing to say'

Just go.

last night i did the unthinkable.

i can fake confidance. very very easily. sometimes it even blisters on truly confident. sometimes. ive always had something nagging my brain and telling me that i CANT. i'm waiting for someone to tell me i can.

i dont know what i expected when i got into college last night, i was ushered through a door to a TINY backstage area. and then we soundchecked.

previously i'd passed my Sound Recording assignment with a Distinction. and then i met up with K and spent the day with him, in his arms, on his bed. kissing, scratching and insulting him. i then got changed and put my face on, and then we set off for college.

got there, and helped him carry his stupidly big amp into college.
he claims he needs it as J [the other guitarist in the band that he's in] is always turned up really loud. i just thing its a status thing, 'OHHH! look at me with my Amp that weighs more than YOU do!'

as i was saying.

we soundchecked.

and by this time im running round like a complete nutcase looking for A [who is a boy by the way] as i really needed a hug. by this time i was VERY nervous. the prospect of going onstage infront of my sister, and the guy who i have exchanged some very explicit moments with made me feel really sick.

so im running around City College with my phone and a bottle of water. looking for my gay friend. and wondering what the fuck i can do.

then the thing starts, and i sit in the audiance, and watch people play songs.

i saw one of K's bands songs before deciding that their singer was shit, and then my band [who are no more now] gets called backstage.

and then, were on stage. the comfort of my mic in my hand. the wire wrapped around my wrist, and the lights blinding the audiance out. and, it went okay.

till i got into class this morning.

i didnt wanna go today. my voice is in shreads after smoking cigarettes last night. and singing on stage.

i get into class

and we have to watch out performances back. ive never been good at watching myself do anything on camera. i wasnt AT ALL comfertable with fucking singing on stage, this was just too fucking far.

and it was...horrible.

maybe thats just my opinion, but i sounded flat. and really gay and just generally horrible,

it really knocked my confidance.

and REALLY brought my already ill mood down some more.

i hit rock bottom at about 11. ended up on myspace after having a minor panic attack, posting pointless bulletins.

i wont put you through the rest of my day.

i spent a stupid amount of money on starbucks though.

but, my first gig! over with. and Tavis and the Douchbags/ Teabags are no more.

we had to change groups. and i have a bad feeling about this one.

there are so many questions that i wanna ask K .

i'm not his girlfriend, technically speaking, but i might as well be.
i mean, its the way he kisses my cheek, and my forehead that makes me think he cares, but the insecurities inside of me are screaming that he doesnt. and im dying to ask him.

im dying to ask him if he likes me.

if he cares about me.

i dont want the relationship to become just a phisical thing.

im dying to tell him that this has been the scariest, but by far the most exiting ride of my life.

if i date guys i generally become really obsessed with them, if i trust them its enough, and now im so fucking washed away by his blue eyes that i dont give a damn anymore.

its starting to get bad.

do guys obsess this much over girl?

wondering in the small hours of the morning if they actually do care. if theyre using you. if they feel the same way you do when they sigh. when they moan.

when they kiss you on the nose.

or is he just leading me on?

and will the guy who i trust myself with, who i think is a nice guy, turn out to be differant and hurt me?

chances are, even if he doesnt know it, he'll end up hurting me.

you should see my back...and my neck.

he's figured out how i tick.

tick tock tick tock.

haha.

'i am not afraid to keep on living'

For The Birds- A PISS FUNNY short pixar film.
that ive seen about 30 times now, and its still piss funny.
go download it!
cos you cant beat naked animated birds.