the 4th, the 5th. the minor fall and the major lift.

I cry, on average, once a day. usually for no reason. And all of it usually stems back to Kyle.
Kyle, who isnt the sometimes boyfriend anymore as he's become not only the boyfriend but the guy i lean on and cry to though he's never seen me cry yet. Kyle, who i lost my virginity to on a friday afternoon in april. Kyle, who i fell in love with. I knew it was going to happen, i get emotionally attached really easily and this guy has been no different. i dont know what love feels like, but i know i'm head over heels and out of mind. really.
Out of my mind is a very good discription for it. its a one sided need i think. with me, waiting untill silly o clock in the morning the minute he says that he'll call me, and with me feeling oh so lonely when i'm not with him. i fell hard didnt i?
people tell me all the time when they find out the state i get myself into that i should break up with him, that i will feel better if he isnt in my life. and i know i wont. look, i have a soft spot for Kyle, and yes, he causes me a great deal of pain and anger and lonliness and lost time and blood shed and all that but being with him, just with him, in his room, on his bed more than makes up for it. its the way he kisses my hand that makes it all worthwhile. though its going to get harder soon, seeing him.
but, i havent explained why the crying for no reason is his fault.
Pea Bo is the name of my contraceptive implant. i can feel it under my skin, its 4cm long. it prevents me from getting pregnant because it releases a hormone that stops my body releasing egg's and it stays under my skin for the next 3 years. i had it put in because i worry. I'll let you into a not so secret secret, i'm having regular sex [though its not regular enough] and with sex comes worry. with anything in my life comes worry. so, to stop me worrying i had Pea Bo put in.
Pea Bo's a bastard, an idiot. he is fucking up my body. he has fucking up my period, and fucked up my emotional state of mind. see it releases a hormone, the hormone makes me feel very very very emotional. and therefore the slightest thing can tip me and make me the biggest blubbering saddest sap you have ever seen. so really, going back to it i had Pea Bo put in becuase im having sex with Kyle therefore if i didnt have Kyle i wouldnt have Pea Bo.
BUT. life isnt that simple. i never do whats best for me i do what seems the most fun even though it fucks up my life, my body, my mood and my cycle's ill still do.

i read this great quote the other day.
The only cure for love is to love more
i cant quote who said it though. one of my favourite quotes though is Lovers alone wear sunlight which has so many meanings to it if you sit and think about it for aslong as i have.

Economically the country is a mess. that has become all to apparent to me now. it hit home at about 12am tonight actually. see, i grew up not having to look at tags on clothes and not worrying about having bills to pay and whatever, when i heard about this whole economic slump thing i didnt worry about it, i though yeah, were going to have to cut back on things but...i just didnt.
my dad's selling his car, his pride and joy. because he needs the money. i just...i didnt think money was that tight. i didnt think it was that bad. this feeling is horrible. i sound like a snob here, there are people worse off than me and i know that. i'm just scared. ive just got my provisional licence and i cant learn to drive because i cant afford it. i cant get down to see Kyle because it costs so damn much. ive never had to live my life around how much things cost before and i am so so sick of everyone thinking about money all the time, there has to be someone out there who's life revolves around money.
I'm only 17, i dont know anything about the Economics of this country so i have no idea what to say beyond that. ive never seen good with money.

I need to get out of this house. i need Kyle's bed just so i can sleep at night, i havent had a good nights sleep in days. i need a hug from him.
its out year anniversary tomorrow. tomorrow at about 4ish is the first time i kissed him, its been such a eventful ride. he has scared me so many times, and made me worry and made me cry and there isnt a time when i dont miss him or need him or want to talk to him and god, what would have happened if i hadnt of kissed him that day? what would life be right now?
boring i guess. though would i have found someone else? i have no idea.
but would i change it? would i change the year ive had?
no.
i love him and i plan to tell him. i have to. 3 words that try to escape my lips everytime i see him. they bounce off walls when i dare say them outloud when im on my own and the dont feel right. and tomorrow it will be right. tomorrow i have a reason to say them but i am so scared.
in reality id love for him to say them back, but i dont want him to say anything if he doesnt mean it, but i f i do say it thats putting him on the spot and it'll be like he has to say it, other wise i'll get up set and i really really really want him to mean it.
i'd like him to say it really. but, he cant really say anything, so i guess its up to me to do it isnt it?
he once told me that if i thought it justifyable to say or do something then i should just do it and people will react how them react.
he should know by now that i love him.
I feel like my life is in a mess again. so much has happened since i last updated this blog. so so much. and none of it i will list here. everything has changed though. i promise ill update more often, i only wrote this here because its WAY WAY WAY to heavy for myspace.
thanks for reading.

Nat.