'Safety is in the middle of the raging river
at it's deepest and fastest point'
- Bruce Mau
I don't think I've ever written a blog that doesn't start with a list, and believe me, this may be the most desperate blog I've written yet.
I am cold. I'm lonely. and i miss him, all three of the hims in my life at this point in time, all of them have earnt their place there and all three of them are there for different reasons. I don't know where to start with this, i know i am feeling something, i just cant figure out what it is.
Never ever ever ever trust a broken window. It started with a broken window, and (yes, i know it sounds dramatic, but i don't fluff things, and sugar coat them, especially at 3 in the morning, this is about me getting some sleep) it ended with a broken heart. There's all this family stuff going on, it can be put very simply into one word, Money, but actually its deeper than that and i don't have the foggiest idea about how the fuck i am going to fix this.
i hate it when i sit down with the intention of writing a big blog, getting it all off my chest and then i sit down and i cant write. i wish that my blog would be read by people, and that hopefully they understand, but that isn't why i am sat here at 3 in the bloody morning, pining after a text with the snow STILL falling outside. i am doing this because i am sick of sleepless nights, lying awake and thinking about him, about what i have done and about whether it is right, and what will the future hold.
As with me there will always be other, bigger, better and stronger worries; Money is one of those worries. i maxed out my account last week to pay my rent, and i have never felt so bad in all of my life. i am so used to not looking at the price tags on things and now, i have to change.
its very stupid, trying to figure out who i am without Kyle. when i met him i was this scared 16 year old girl, i was different, i didnt have the confidence to not stare at the ground when i walked, and slowly Kyle broke me, and moulded me into something similar to who i am now, the girl who could walk into a bar and not feel horrible, the girl who felt sexy. Kyle is responsible for making me feel comfortable, clothed or otherwise. Now i have this terrible thing to do, and i actually told my mum this:
I have to figure out how i want to portray myself to other people, i have to figure out who i am without Kyle. Who am i as a single?
i dont even know what i like in bed. Im dating this guy, Rob. He's sweet, a Geek. a Loveable Geek.
He's wonderful in bed.
but he keeps asking me what i want, and its like '...um, untill you i hadn't ever had an orgasm during sex, and i didnt actually know i had a G-Spot, and i have never gotten cramp during sex in my life, and honestly i do not know what i want, so if you just do what you want and if i hate it ill tell you, kay? now, why the fuck are we having a conversation while your penis is inside me?'
So, yeah.
sometimes i lie awake at night and ponder whether i have dont the right thing with Kyle, there are days when i know i want him back and days where i know i like being single.
INCOMPLETE.
as many blogs are.
I am cold. I'm lonely. and i miss him, all three of the hims in my life at this point in time, all of them have earnt their place there and all three of them are there for different reasons. I don't know where to start with this, i know i am feeling something, i just cant figure out what it is.
Never ever ever ever trust a broken window. It started with a broken window, and (yes, i know it sounds dramatic, but i don't fluff things, and sugar coat them, especially at 3 in the morning, this is about me getting some sleep) it ended with a broken heart. There's all this family stuff going on, it can be put very simply into one word, Money, but actually its deeper than that and i don't have the foggiest idea about how the fuck i am going to fix this.
i hate it when i sit down with the intention of writing a big blog, getting it all off my chest and then i sit down and i cant write. i wish that my blog would be read by people, and that hopefully they understand, but that isn't why i am sat here at 3 in the bloody morning, pining after a text with the snow STILL falling outside. i am doing this because i am sick of sleepless nights, lying awake and thinking about him, about what i have done and about whether it is right, and what will the future hold.
As with me there will always be other, bigger, better and stronger worries; Money is one of those worries. i maxed out my account last week to pay my rent, and i have never felt so bad in all of my life. i am so used to not looking at the price tags on things and now, i have to change.
its very stupid, trying to figure out who i am without Kyle. when i met him i was this scared 16 year old girl, i was different, i didnt have the confidence to not stare at the ground when i walked, and slowly Kyle broke me, and moulded me into something similar to who i am now, the girl who could walk into a bar and not feel horrible, the girl who felt sexy. Kyle is responsible for making me feel comfortable, clothed or otherwise. Now i have this terrible thing to do, and i actually told my mum this:
I have to figure out how i want to portray myself to other people, i have to figure out who i am without Kyle. Who am i as a single?
i dont even know what i like in bed. Im dating this guy, Rob. He's sweet, a Geek. a Loveable Geek.
He's wonderful in bed.
but he keeps asking me what i want, and its like '...um, untill you i hadn't ever had an orgasm during sex, and i didnt actually know i had a G-Spot, and i have never gotten cramp during sex in my life, and honestly i do not know what i want, so if you just do what you want and if i hate it ill tell you, kay? now, why the fuck are we having a conversation while your penis is inside me?'
So, yeah.
sometimes i lie awake at night and ponder whether i have dont the right thing with Kyle, there are days when i know i want him back and days where i know i like being single.
INCOMPLETE.
as many blogs are.
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